This was an exceptionally delightful read!! All of the characters are incredibly charming, and I definitely appreciate their tight-knit dynamic. I'm head over heels for Ajmal, seriously. And Felice isn't the sort of RO I gravitate towards, but you did an incredible job with planting intrigue and allowing for different dynamics between them and MC. It's the first time I'm truly looking forward to seeing how the relationship between the MC and an RO develops, without actually intending to pursue them romantically.
As someone who's picky about MC personality and choices, I'm very much satisfied with the reactions/dialogue you supply us with. I deeply appreciate the ability to say one thing while thinking another, and other personality nuances like that; not all IFs allow for the MC to feel like a tangible character and participant of the story, but yours is one that allows me to be properly immersed.
The only instance regarding dialogue options that stood out was when we were presented with the choice to either confess to Ajmal or leave. Given that every other possible romantic interaction is presented with a relatively straightforward either/or with regular choices and then romantic versions of those choices, it feels off when my character isn't forward enough to initiate but is undeniably smitten with Ajmal, so I am cornered into the "non-romantic" choice. I believe a combination of the two would work well, where MC wishes to say something but can't bring themselves to.
Given your recent update to save files, I'll mention that the formatting was confusing to me and I only figured out how it works by accident. If there's a way for you to more clearly distinguish the save/load slots with the save/load files, organizing them visually into 2 columns instead of 9 rows, I think that could help some future confusion from others as well.
All in all, amazing read. Your prose is elegant, and I'm so fond of your characters. I'm really, really looking forward to future uploads!
Hello! I’m very flattered by all your nice compliments! It really means a lot. :)
I’ll look into how to make the save to file and load from file thing clearer.
As for the choice you speak of, it only appears if you already showed romantic interest in Ajmal. The choice to not confess does not cancel that in any way and the game will still take into account the romantic feelings MC has for Ajmal.
There’s not really a choice to opt out of the romance in this choice set because it wouldn’t make much sense that soon after expressing interest.
But that might not be clear enough that the choice is still within the romance, so I’ll give it another look.
Updated google chrome and lost all my progress :( not sure if I saved and updating got rid of it or I just never saved. I'd feel really silly if it's the latter.
I'm sorry. :( I suppose it's possible that the cookies were erased with the update. But I've heard that itch.io changed hosting platform for html games so it could be that all saves for everyone were deleted, I can't say for sure. Or your browser erases cookies regularly, which could be changed in your settings, potentially.
YAYYY OMG ITS UPDATED NJASNOWQ I MISSED SIR AJMAL SMM im tryna have self control and play after my exams but youre making it TOO HARD DEAR AUTHOR fr tho take care of yourself and as always, thank you sm<3 your hard work is appreciated ALOTT i really love this game
I did not expect to love this so much. It honestly is so good and i also like most find myself very much stuck between ajmal and felice. You made it really hard to choose. Sooo excited for more. Really great writing!
There seems to be a slight glitch where if you load a save file, you name will become "first name here". I'm at the first 10-5 choices and chose "Alexis" and custom names , so it might change with different names or later in game.
Hello! I tried to reproduce the bug but can't seem to be able to do it. Can you give me some more precisions? Was the name correct before you loaded your save? Did you click the link "Alexis" on the first passage to set the name to that at the beginning of the playthrough? Was the save made before the last game update (updates can mess up saves sometimes, but it still seems odd)?
It's alright, your comment didn't seem mean at all! I just need to understand how things went to figure out where the bug is coming from.
From what you're saying, I think saving before selecting your character's name is what made things confusing. I'll hide the save link on the first page in a future update to avoid this kind of thing. In the meantime, you should be fine if you make sure to save after selecting your character's name!
I hope you'll enjoy the game and good luck with your tests!
Thanks for understanding, another issue I have is that there is nothing such as naming, time or just chapter/setting name on the save files, making it harder to find the specific save file you want.
I understand that it's not the most convenient save system, but I have yet to figure out how to name a save in Harlowe. I'll do some research and try again when time allows.
AAGHH I lovee this story!! And i'm absolutely infatutaed with Ajmal, I'm suprised you can admit your feelings to him so early, but I chose to do it anyway! Zanetta is very funny too, I like her! ,,You keep lovingly applying ice to her ankle, you’re doing that very well.'' made me burst out in laughter, i hope to see an update soon! :)
I’m glad you’re enjoying the story! I don’t have a schedule, the next part will be released when it’s ready. If you follow my profile you should receive a notification when I’ll update the story.
Hey there, I love your story and I hope to see more soon! I wanted to let you know that we've mentioned your story in our list of recommended Twine stories. But if that's not okay just let me know. You can view it here, let us know if there are any other details we should add for your title --> https://itch.io/t/1763600/twine-games-with-character-customization-part-1
hello! i was wondering if you could add a delete button for the save slots if people need more or don't need them anymore. great game and cant wait for more!
I’m not certain I can add a delete button for the saves, but I’ll look into it. But you can save over the saves that exist if you need to! Also if you think there aren’t enough save slots, I can add a couple more.
Are the Dwarven names based on Italian or a romance language?
Because the name Lagodoro sounds like Lago d'oro (lake of gold). Also Toccarella with tocca meaning touch/tap. I think -rella is used at the ends of words to emphasize things, but maybe that's in another language.
Anyway I just thought that was a nice little detail.
Hello! Yes, the Dwarven kingdom's language is heavily inspired by Italian, so you can deduce the meaning of some names if you know some Italian! (I don't, but I used some online translating tool to help me lol.) Some other words are a little more distorted so their meaning are probably less obvious. But you are correct about Lagodoro and toccarella! Those were the intended meanings. Lagodoro is called that way because of the lights of the city reflecting in the lake. And the toccarella is called that way because the dance involves a lot of touching lol.
I just finished playing the demo and totally love it! The story and the characters are very interesting, I liked the choices you can make and how other characters react. It's really nice!
Thanks so much for the effort! I hope to see more in the future ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉ~♡
Ah, I really enjoyed that one! Though I can't wait to meet Berhane - they are the love interest I'm truly interested in.
I like the writing style and the interactions with the characters - though I can't talk about flavor text since I only have a single MC and I can't look at the code to see the variables outside of the game itself.
I did not notice any technical or continuity / choice consequences related issues, really. Maybe one thing that bothered me a bit was at the start of chapter 2, there was that little segment that starts with "You looked much different than when you first arrived. Better rested, of course, but also fitter. Learning combat with Sir Mansoor was already bearing fruit and you could see the results in your reflection." - it was a bit strange to me since my MC's stats did not reflect that, considering I had no martial prowess increase in chapter 1 so the stat was 0 at that point, but it isn't a big issue either since there is an increase a couple of pages after that.
One thing that I found a bit strange is that MC wasn't yet on the throne at 18 years old. Usually, in settings like this one, I'd expect the new monarch to take the throne when they are around 15 or 16 years old, so the MC being considered still too young at 18 was very strange to me. Maybe it would be good to add a more detailed explanation about why is that. Like, a past monarch that took the throne at that age and went mad with a power they were not mature enough to wield or something like that. Really, it's just a random idea. This isn't that big of a deal either, though - I guess I'm nitpicking a bit.
Hi! I'm glad you enjoyed the story and thank you for your input!
The stat thing I don't think is too much of an issue? And I can't add any point before the player chooses their MC's secondary and tertiary stat. The stat are more functional than any real representation of MC's skills, to be honest. But I'll think about it, maybe there is a better way to present the stats in the character sheets.
MC's age is more comfortable like it is now for me and other readers. It's also very cultural and in a fantasy setting I don't think it's that jarring. An explanation, I feel, would break the pace of the story. I feel like it's not unreasonable to have a culture where they want the future monarch to have a thorough education before starting to rule either.
Thank you again! I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story and Berhane's romance!
It's okay, these are not major issues or anything, so still thank you for answering them!
By the way, I didn't think about a huge explanation for the age thing, eh, just one line in the passing, or something not dedicated to it per se, like during a lesson or whatever. But again, that's not a big thing in itself! I don't have a problem with it being as it is, it just felt a bit strange to me. I guess I'm the type of person who is more about context and setting than paralels to our modern society, so I don't mind younger characters in setting like this one, even if there is romance, but I guess I understand it can bother people. I honestly even didn't consider it was a factor!
Really great story so far - I love your writing style and the use of imagery! When I got to the end I was so absorbed in the story that I literally said, 'What? No! Come on...', out loud. lol I'm really liking these characters a lot too - Ajmal, Zanetta and the princess are all quite interesting so far, and I can't wait to read the next part when it comes out. <3 But yeah, you've done a fantastic job so far! :D
Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying the story and the characters! I'm excited to share more of the story as soon as I can. Sadly it takes a lot of time to write interactive fiction. 😩
I genuinely don't think I've ever seen a setting that blends cultures and fantasy races/tropes quite like this one -- I'm really looking forward to getting a clearer picture as the story continues. Your interpretation of the typical fantasy dwarf tropes has been interesting so far and I’m hyped to see what you’ve thought up for your interpretation of merfolk!
I was also pleasantly surprised by how different some of the dialogue tree options are — you could see completely different things if you play a certain way, according to a certain personality trait or another.
Okay, I have some constructive feedback to go over as well — I really hope it isn’t overwhelming. I’m going to all this effort writing this up because I like this story so far and I want to be as helpful of a reader as possible, especially in these early, formative stages of the project. If at any point this isn’t feedback you want, please feel free to just delete my comment or block me or something. I spent a long time going through the demo and writing this up with the best of intentions — if anything comes across as rude, that is by no means intentional!
——
This is the most important piece of feedback I have, so, while it’s a bit serious, I’m going to put it first: the age gaps. If my comprehension based on context clues is correct, Sir Mansoor is an adult, while the PC is a child. A potential romantic pairing between two individuals aged sixteen and nineteen (if he was assigned at 16, 3 years ago) has a bit of a gross feel to me. It also presents some potential legal issues re: sex, grooming, manipulation. (Same with Zanetta — her age isn’t specified, but to me, she seems closer to thirty or so than sixteen.)
I think it’s worth being careful about this — 16 and 19 isn’t pedophilia, but for people who notice it, that age pairing is still likely to come off poorly regardless of the fantasy setting. I’m not saying you have to make the PC older, but I will say: it doesn’t look like it would affect the plot negatively to have the monarch be ambiguously a young adult of some sort (i.e. 18+) instead of explicitly underage.
If I'm misinterpreting context clues, then I'd respectfully suggest maybe specifying the love interests' ages -- the fact that PC is a child warrants extra transparency, in my opinion.
-
Okay! Now with that out of the way, I’ll get into the grammar stuff.
So, this is kind of hard to explain, but there are some intricacies around plurals when specifying people's age that I noticed got switched around some in the demo. You use the phrasing "a sixteen years old" a few times, but this is slightly off -- I've written out a couple of explanations below.
"I am sixteen years old." / "I was to be coronated at seventeen."
(The “years old” is implied in casual dialogue, but either way is fine.)
"I am a sixteen-year-old." / "You're rather intense for a sixteen-year-old kid."
(When age is specified as a singular noun or adjective, everything is hyphenated and no 's' is needed on the end of “year.”)
Finally, here are some other, smaller things:
The first sentence of Ch1 was unclear to me — “You remember the….” I just… don’t know what this sentence is talking about. It’s also in a different tense to everything else (present). I think maybe some further setup would help clarify?
I’m a bit confused about the technology of the setting — they have complex hearing aids and prosthetics but also use typewriters and, seemingly, bladed weapons as a standard? Is this going to be clarified as a magic system thing later or something?
The phrasing of this sentence in particular took me some labor to understand: “The knight who was assigned to you to act as your bodyguard was still very young, but his water green eyes were already hardened by battle.“
There are a lot of minor mistakes throughout the demo, but it isn’t practical for me to go over everything, especially considering this is an early draft. I gave some corrections for the ones that stuck out to me the most below, but I’d definitely consider hiring an editor down the line if I were you. Your work has good bones and I would love to see it thrive. I'm rooting for your progress!! :)
---
Assorted typos and miscellaneous notes:
“…draping his shoulder”
Should be “draping over/across/atop/along/etc his shoulder.” You need a preposition there.
“…rows afer rows of stalactites…”
Missing letter in “after.” Also, standard phrasing is either “row after row” or “rows upon rows,” but “rows after rows” is not typically used.
“If I can be blunt”
Should be “if I may be blunt”
“the ginger grip of his hand”
Did you mean “gentle”? Or maybe you were trying to make an adjective out of the adverb “gingerly,” in which case, that's not possible. “Ginger” as an adjective exclusively means “red- or orange-colored.
“King Pace the Twenty First“
Should be “twenty-first” or “21st.” If you’re feeling official, “King Pace XXI” is the most correct but least conversational writing.
“Him or any official will never speak of your presence here.”
Odd phrasing and grammar. Could say either “He and his officials will never speak of your presence here,” or “Neither he nor any official will speak of your presence here.”
I'm really glad you enjoyed the story and setting. Thank you so much for all the feedback! I will look into all the grammar issues and typos as soon as I can. I will get into MC's age and the ROs in a moment, because you're right, it is an important point. But first, about the setting and technology: the technology is mostly inspired by our world's late 19th-century technology, but it is definitely influenced by magic as well. The prosthetics, for example, are enchanted, they use magic to function. And swords are present but not necessarily the main weapons, there are guns as well, but they're not always reliable. Hopefully, all of this will get clearer as we explore the world. I will probably reformulate the first sentence of the story. When I wrote it, I wanted to make the first chapter a prologue set in the past and then going to a 'present day' in the next chapter. But things have changed since then, so I'll eventually remove the 'I remember' part.
Now for the age issue: I'm very aware of how MC being 16 at the beginning of the story can be worrisome, when it comes to romance. I gave all the ROs' ages on my tumblr blog, but I realize that maybe not everyone will see it so I'll edit the page here to add them. At the very beginning of the story, Ajmal is 19, Zanetta is 21, Felice is 18, Armine is 16 and Berhane is 20. Which means that yes, at this point, beside Armine, all the ROs are adults (even if young ones). And this is why no relationship will start before MC is at the very least 18. There can be some feelings on MC's part and on some of the ROs part (like Ajmal who grew up with MC, Armine and Felice), but none of them will act on them until everyone is an adult.
Maybe the title doesn't make this clear enough, in which case I will specify this, but the story will happen over the course of 8 years and I never planned to have anything, relationship-wise, happen before much later in the game. They will take time to build up. Zanetta, being the oldest RO, will not even consider MC romantically before much later. Her romance will likely develop a lot slower than everyone else's. As for Berhane, we won't meet him in-game until much later and MC will be at least 18 by then.
That being said, there are some romance elements in the game already, notably with Ajmal. I tried to keep those moments age-appropriate and I hope I achieved that. If not, please let me know so I can figure out how to tone them down. Hopefully, Ajmal's reservations are obvious. You can flirt with Zanetta somewhat, but she will (gently) push MC away.
As for MC's age, I would definitely have made them older right from the beginning of the story if it was not, in fact, plot-relevant. The MC needed to be young enough to not be considered able to rule Ahabalad and be in need of a Regent to rule in their stead. That being said, I'm open to the idea to make the age to be eligible to rule a bit older, but that might require some heavy rework on the story that might have to wait on the second draft unless it feels like it needs to be changed earlier.
Lastly, I want to precise that there won't be any explicit sex scenes in this game. Sex might be talked about, but like for the relationships, not until much much later in the game, when everyone involved is an adult.
I'm really sorry if the story made you uncomfortable, I really want to avoid that by any means. If there are specific passages in the game that you felt were inappropriate, I'd like to know so I can improve on them.
I hope that clears things up! Thank you for taking the time to write all this feedback!
EDIT: After some thinking, I've decided to go ahead and change MC's starting age to 18. (A few of the ROs will be 1 or 2 years older as well, to fit MC's age and the new timeline better.) It's better that I make the change sooner rather than later, as it would be a lot more work if I wait. I hope this will make things a bit more comfortable for you and other readers! (And it honestly will feel better for me as well and some things in the story will actually make more sense I think.)
I will start working on editing the story to fit that decision and the changes will take effect in the next update.
I definitely did not realize the slow-burn pace you were going for in regards to relationships, just because of how quickly players are given the option to actively flirt. Most of the response I would have given is now void given your decision about the ages, but I will say that I'm sorry my comment presumably had to be what pushed you to make a decision that is now giving you more editing work! I know the pain. Nevertheless, I'm definitely in favor of the change.
In regards to your question about specific scenes, I think Zanetta's flirtatious teasing currently comes off as slightly over the line in the scene where the MC can ask her about her family. As a 20-year-old, I know I wouldn't ever assume a high-school-aged kid was trying to come on to me, nor would I (even jokingly) engage in teasing one flirtatiously. In my opinion, this is essentially absolved by changing the MC's age to 18, but I figured I would mention it specifically just in case you still wanted to know. It's definitely not egregious, but I for sure had the thought of, "Excuse me, ma'am? This is a high-school-aged child!"
I didn't see any other red flags in my speedrunning all the romance scenes, though! Ajmal's freaking out when confronted by a perhaps overly-forward MC feels very realistic and reasonable given his...rather complicated situation, and I think that attitude could easily carry over to an 18-year-old MC. After all, they're still a ruler (and probably somewhat intimidating as a result) as well as a slightly-younger childhood friend, which in itself presents all kinds of delightful possibilities for emotional turmoil.
But, overall, I'm really glad my comments didn't come off the wrong way. I'm looking forward to the update, and I wish you good luck with writing and editing!! I'm really loving the story so far, and while I don't go on the interactive-fiction side of tumblr much, just to avoid all the behind-the-scenes character spoilers, I gave your page a follow and I'm excited to be along for the ride. :)
Don’t be sorry for being the one that initiated the thought process that led me to take that decision! Even if it’s more work, I think it’s for the best and will make everyone, me included, more comfortable. I really appreciate how nicely you brought up the subject too. Thank you so much for that!
Gonna throw this out there re: the age gap. It's totally possible for two people to be involved with each other while both are under the age of 18 and then have one cross the threshold. My "high school sweetheart" and I had a three-year age gap but we started dating when I was 14 and he was 17. By the time we broke up, I was 16 and he was 19 (and still just graduated high school b/c he started school late), so - to me, at least - the 16, 19 age-gap isn't inherently "gross."
Just figured I'd offer a different perspective based on my actual life lol.
Thanks for your input! I’ve asked different people their opinions on this and they vary of course. I think the age gap between MC and Zanetta is the one that can cause most issues. In any case, I prefer aging MC up a bit, it’s an easy solution to make everyone more comfortable.
I really love it so far! I really love this method of storytelling, where I can be a part of the story, and you have started a really awesome story here! Thanks!
I’m glad you liked it! I hope I’ll be able to treat each disability respectfully and if at any point I write something that’s not right or makes you feel uncomfortable, please let me know!
Thank you so much! I'm really happy you liked it so far. =) I'm not stressing myself, don't worry, but I definitely am excited about getting more out there for you lovely people. =)
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Never give up, beleaguered author. This is lovely.
Thank you. :) I don't think I'm beleaguered, tho... Although there are the horrors I suppose.
This was an exceptionally delightful read!! All of the characters are incredibly charming, and I definitely appreciate their tight-knit dynamic. I'm head over heels for Ajmal, seriously. And Felice isn't the sort of RO I gravitate towards, but you did an incredible job with planting intrigue and allowing for different dynamics between them and MC. It's the first time I'm truly looking forward to seeing how the relationship between the MC and an RO develops, without actually intending to pursue them romantically.
As someone who's picky about MC personality and choices, I'm very much satisfied with the reactions/dialogue you supply us with. I deeply appreciate the ability to say one thing while thinking another, and other personality nuances like that; not all IFs allow for the MC to feel like a tangible character and participant of the story, but yours is one that allows me to be properly immersed.
The only instance regarding dialogue options that stood out was when we were presented with the choice to either confess to Ajmal or leave. Given that every other possible romantic interaction is presented with a relatively straightforward either/or with regular choices and then romantic versions of those choices, it feels off when my character isn't forward enough to initiate but is undeniably smitten with Ajmal, so I am cornered into the "non-romantic" choice. I believe a combination of the two would work well, where MC wishes to say something but can't bring themselves to.
Given your recent update to save files, I'll mention that the formatting was confusing to me and I only figured out how it works by accident. If there's a way for you to more clearly distinguish the save/load slots with the save/load files, organizing them visually into 2 columns instead of 9 rows, I think that could help some future confusion from others as well.
All in all, amazing read. Your prose is elegant, and I'm so fond of your characters. I'm really, really looking forward to future uploads!
Hello! I’m very flattered by all your nice compliments! It really means a lot. :)
I’ll look into how to make the save to file and load from file thing clearer.
As for the choice you speak of, it only appears if you already showed romantic interest in Ajmal. The choice to not confess does not cancel that in any way and the game will still take into account the romantic feelings MC has for Ajmal.
There’s not really a choice to opt out of the romance in this choice set because it wouldn’t make much sense that soon after expressing interest.
But that might not be clear enough that the choice is still within the romance, so I’ll give it another look.
I didn't get a chance to comment on it yesterday when I read it, so I'm doing it now.
This is such a well written story. I literally feel so much attachment and adoration for practically every character in this lol
(With a very brief suspicious streak of a certain mer-person.) side-eye
Also Ajmal is best boy.
You're an excellent writer and I look forward to more of your work! <3
Thank you so much for the lovely compliments. ❤️
Updated google chrome and lost all my progress :( not sure if I saved and updating got rid of it or I just never saved. I'd feel really silly if it's the latter.
I'm sorry. :( I suppose it's possible that the cookies were erased with the update. But I've heard that itch.io changed hosting platform for html games so it could be that all saves for everyone were deleted, I can't say for sure. Or your browser erases cookies regularly, which could be changed in your settings, potentially.
aww. well thanks. I didn't get so far and it's been a while since I've played so it's not a big deal to restart.
YAYYY OMG ITS UPDATED NJASNOWQ I MISSED SIR AJMAL SMM im tryna have self control and play after my exams but youre making it TOO HARD DEAR AUTHOR fr tho take care of yourself and as always, thank you sm<3 your hard work is appreciated ALOTT i really love this game
I appreciate the excitement! Good luck with your exams <3
I did not expect to love this so much. It honestly is so good and i also like most find myself very much stuck between ajmal and felice. You made it really hard to choose. Sooo excited for more. Really great writing!
I'm really flattered the story surpassed your expectation! Thank you for this nice compliment <3
i love it very much!!! I love sir ajmal but felice is just too tempting!! Im so sorry sir ajmal!!! im waiting to update~
I’m glad you enjoyed the game! :)
There seems to be a slight glitch where if you load a save file, you name will become "first name here". I'm at the first 10-5 choices and chose "Alexis" and custom names , so it might change with different names or later in game.
Hello! I tried to reproduce the bug but can't seem to be able to do it. Can you give me some more precisions? Was the name correct before you loaded your save? Did you click the link "Alexis" on the first passage to set the name to that at the beginning of the playthrough? Was the save made before the last game update (updates can mess up saves sometimes, but it still seems odd)?
I found what it was.
1. Save before name select and after
2. Load before name select
3. Load a different save
4. Check character sheet
This seems to be fixed when given lord/lady/laird title.
If there is any mistakes I made or sound mean, sorry. It's my first comment on itch and am stressed with work and tests.
It's alright, your comment didn't seem mean at all! I just need to understand how things went to figure out where the bug is coming from.
From what you're saying, I think saving before selecting your character's name is what made things confusing.
I'll hide the save link on the first page in a future update to avoid this kind of thing. In the meantime, you should be fine if you make sure to save after selecting your character's name!
I hope you'll enjoy the game and good luck with your tests!
Thanks for understanding, another issue I have is that there is nothing such as naming, time or just chapter/setting name on the save files, making it harder to find the specific save file you want.
I understand that it's not the most convenient save system, but I have yet to figure out how to name a save in Harlowe. I'll do some research and try again when time allows.
Felice has just fricking stolen my heart and ran away with it. Permanently.
Just as planned hehe! I'm glad you enjoyed the update!
AAGHH I lovee this story!! And i'm absolutely infatutaed with Ajmal, I'm suprised you can admit your feelings to him so early, but I chose to do it anyway! Zanetta is very funny too, I like her! ,,You keep lovingly applying ice to her ankle, you’re doing that very well.'' made me burst out in laughter, i hope to see an update soon! :)
Thank you! It makes me so happy to see my silly little jokes make people laugh!
I'm working on editing and coding the next update right now so it's definitely coming soon. :)
I like this! I'm pretty psyched to see where this is going.
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed! I'm working hard on the next update.
Tis adorable and i shalt say no more.
Glad you enjoyed it!
The Turkish masculine name 'Anil' is wrong. It's Anıl.
I'll fix the spelling as soon as I'm able! Thank you.
the writing really drew me in! small error here where i cant access the third option:
it works if it's chosen after another option, however
Hi! I'm glad you enjoyed the demo! Thank you for warning me about the bug. It looks like a simple typo in the link. I'll fix it as soon as possible!
How do I save my slots to my disc
You can’t. The version of Twine I’m using is Harlowe and it doesn’t offer the save to disk option like SugarCube does.
when will the next part be released? I'm loving the story so far!
I’m glad you’re enjoying the story! I don’t have a schedule, the next part will be released when it’s ready. If you follow my profile you should receive a notification when I’ll update the story.
Hey there, I love your story and I hope to see more soon! I wanted to let you know that we've mentioned your story in our list of recommended Twine stories. But if that's not okay just let me know. You can view it here, let us know if there are any other details we should add for your title --> https://itch.io/t/1763600/twine-games-with-character-customization-part-1
Hi! Glad you enjoyed the story so far! And adding it to your recommendation list is perfectly fine, thank you!
hello! i was wondering if you could add a delete button for the save slots if people need more or don't need them anymore. great game and cant wait for more!
Hi! I’m glad you enjoyed the game!
I’m not certain I can add a delete button for the saves, but I’ll look into it. But you can save over the saves that exist if you need to! Also if you think there aren’t enough save slots, I can add a couple more.
Ooh, ok I didn't know we could save over saves! I'll make use of this so I don't think having a delete button is necessary anymore..tho up to you :)
Are the Dwarven names based on Italian or a romance language?
Because the name Lagodoro sounds like Lago d'oro (lake of gold). Also Toccarella with tocca meaning touch/tap. I think -rella is used at the ends of words to emphasize things, but maybe that's in another language.
Anyway I just thought that was a nice little detail.
Hello! Yes, the Dwarven kingdom's language is heavily inspired by Italian, so you can deduce the meaning of some names if you know some Italian! (I don't, but I used some online translating tool to help me lol.) Some other words are a little more distorted so their meaning are probably less obvious. But you are correct about Lagodoro and toccarella! Those were the intended meanings. Lagodoro is called that way because of the lights of the city reflecting in the lake. And the toccarella is called that way because the dance involves a lot of touching lol.
Thank you for your comment!
I just finished playing the demo and totally love it! The story and the characters are very interesting, I liked the choices you can make and how other characters react. It's really nice!
Thanks so much for the effort! I hope to see more in the future ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉ~♡
Thank you so much for the very nice comment! ❤️❤️❤️
Ah, I really enjoyed that one! Though I can't wait to meet Berhane - they are the love interest I'm truly interested in.
I like the writing style and the interactions with the characters - though I can't talk about flavor text since I only have a single MC and I can't look at the code to see the variables outside of the game itself.
I did not notice any technical or continuity / choice consequences related issues, really. Maybe one thing that bothered me a bit was at the start of chapter 2, there was that little segment that starts with "You looked much different than when you first arrived. Better rested, of course, but also fitter. Learning combat with Sir Mansoor was already bearing fruit and you could see the results in your reflection." - it was a bit strange to me since my MC's stats did not reflect that, considering I had no martial prowess increase in chapter 1 so the stat was 0 at that point, but it isn't a big issue either since there is an increase a couple of pages after that.
One thing that I found a bit strange is that MC wasn't yet on the throne at 18 years old. Usually, in settings like this one, I'd expect the new monarch to take the throne when they are around 15 or 16 years old, so the MC being considered still too young at 18 was very strange to me. Maybe it would be good to add a more detailed explanation about why is that. Like, a past monarch that took the throne at that age and went mad with a power they were not mature enough to wield or something like that. Really, it's just a random idea. This isn't that big of a deal either, though - I guess I'm nitpicking a bit.
Hi! I'm glad you enjoyed the story and thank you for your input!
The stat thing I don't think is too much of an issue? And I can't add any point before the player chooses their MC's secondary and tertiary stat. The stat are more functional than any real representation of MC's skills, to be honest. But I'll think about it, maybe there is a better way to present the stats in the character sheets.
MC's age is more comfortable like it is now for me and other readers. It's also very cultural and in a fantasy setting I don't think it's that jarring. An explanation, I feel, would break the pace of the story. I feel like it's not unreasonable to have a culture where they want the future monarch to have a thorough education before starting to rule either.
Thank you again! I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story and Berhane's romance!
It's okay, these are not major issues or anything, so still thank you for answering them!
By the way, I didn't think about a huge explanation for the age thing, eh, just one line in the passing, or something not dedicated to it per se, like during a lesson or whatever. But again, that's not a big thing in itself! I don't have a problem with it being as it is, it just felt a bit strange to me. I guess I'm the type of person who is more about context and setting than paralels to our modern society, so I don't mind younger characters in setting like this one, even if there is romance, but I guess I understand it can bother people. I honestly even didn't consider it was a factor!
Really great story so far - I love your writing style and the use of imagery! When I got to the end I was so absorbed in the story that I literally said, 'What? No! Come on...', out loud. lol
I'm really liking these characters a lot too - Ajmal, Zanetta and the princess are all quite interesting so far, and I can't wait to read the next part when it comes out. <3
But yeah, you've done a fantastic job so far! :D
Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying the story and the characters! I'm excited to share more of the story as soon as I can. Sadly it takes a lot of time to write interactive fiction. 😩
I genuinely don't think I've ever seen a setting that blends cultures and fantasy races/tropes quite like this one -- I'm really looking forward to getting a clearer picture as the story continues. Your interpretation of the typical fantasy dwarf tropes has been interesting so far and I’m hyped to see what you’ve thought up for your interpretation of merfolk!
I was also pleasantly surprised by how different some of the dialogue tree options are — you could see completely different things if you play a certain way, according to a certain personality trait or another.
Okay, I have some constructive feedback to go over as well — I really hope it isn’t overwhelming. I’m going to all this effort writing this up because I like this story so far and I want to be as helpful of a reader as possible, especially in these early, formative stages of the project. If at any point this isn’t feedback you want, please feel free to just delete my comment or block me or something. I spent a long time going through the demo and writing this up with the best of intentions — if anything comes across as rude, that is by no means intentional!
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This is the most important piece of feedback I have, so, while it’s a bit serious, I’m going to put it first: the age gaps. If my comprehension based on context clues is correct, Sir Mansoor is an adult, while the PC is a child. A potential romantic pairing between two individuals aged sixteen and nineteen (if he was assigned at 16, 3 years ago) has a bit of a gross feel to me. It also presents some potential legal issues re: sex, grooming, manipulation. (Same with Zanetta — her age isn’t specified, but to me, she seems closer to thirty or so than sixteen.)
I think it’s worth being careful about this — 16 and 19 isn’t pedophilia, but for people who notice it, that age pairing is still likely to come off poorly regardless of the fantasy setting. I’m not saying you have to make the PC older, but I will say: it doesn’t look like it would affect the plot negatively to have the monarch be ambiguously a young adult of some sort (i.e. 18+) instead of explicitly underage.
If I'm misinterpreting context clues, then I'd respectfully suggest maybe specifying the love interests' ages -- the fact that PC is a child warrants extra transparency, in my opinion.
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Okay! Now with that out of the way, I’ll get into the grammar stuff.
So, this is kind of hard to explain, but there are some intricacies around plurals when specifying people's age that I noticed got switched around some in the demo. You use the phrasing "a sixteen years old" a few times, but this is slightly off -- I've written out a couple of explanations below.
Finally, here are some other, smaller things:
There are a lot of minor mistakes throughout the demo, but it isn’t practical for me to go over everything, especially considering this is an early draft. I gave some corrections for the ones that stuck out to me the most below, but I’d definitely consider hiring an editor down the line if I were you. Your work has good bones and I would love to see it thrive. I'm rooting for your progress!! :)
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Assorted typos and miscellaneous notes:
Hello!
I'm really glad you enjoyed the story and setting. Thank you so much for all the feedback! I will look into all the grammar issues and typos as soon as I can. I will get into MC's age and the ROs in a moment, because you're right, it is an important point. But first, about the setting and technology: the technology is mostly inspired by our world's late 19th-century technology, but it is definitely influenced by magic as well. The prosthetics, for example, are enchanted, they use magic to function. And swords are present but not necessarily the main weapons, there are guns as well, but they're not always reliable. Hopefully, all of this will get clearer as we explore the world.
I will probably reformulate the first sentence of the story. When I wrote it, I wanted to make the first chapter a prologue set in the past and then going to a 'present day' in the next chapter. But things have changed since then, so I'll eventually remove the 'I remember' part.
Now for the age issue: I'm very aware of how MC being 16 at the beginning of the story can be worrisome, when it comes to romance. I gave all the ROs' ages on my tumblr blog, but I realize that maybe not everyone will see it so I'll edit the page here to add them. At the very beginning of the story, Ajmal is 19, Zanetta is 21, Felice is 18, Armine is 16 and Berhane is 20. Which means that yes, at this point, beside Armine, all the ROs are adults (even if young ones). And this is why no relationship will start before MC is at the very least 18. There can be some feelings on MC's part and on some of the ROs part (like Ajmal who grew up with MC, Armine and Felice), but none of them will act on them until everyone is an adult.
Maybe the title doesn't make this clear enough, in which case I will specify this, but the story will happen over the course of 8 years and I never planned to have anything, relationship-wise, happen before much later in the game. They will take time to build up. Zanetta, being the oldest RO, will not even consider MC romantically before much later. Her romance will likely develop a lot slower than everyone else's. As for Berhane, we won't meet him in-game until much later and MC will be at least 18 by then.
That being said, there are some romance elements in the game already, notably with Ajmal. I tried to keep those moments age-appropriate and I hope I achieved that. If not, please let me know so I can figure out how to tone them down. Hopefully, Ajmal's reservations are obvious. You can flirt with Zanetta somewhat, but she will (gently) push MC away.
As for MC's age, I would definitely have made them older right from the beginning of the story if it was not, in fact, plot-relevant. The MC needed to be young enough to not be considered able to rule Ahabalad and be in need of a Regent to rule in their stead. That being said, I'm open to the idea to make the age to be eligible to rule a bit older, but that might require some heavy rework on the story that might have to wait on the second draft unless it feels like it needs to be changed earlier.
Lastly, I want to precise that there won't be any explicit sex scenes in this game. Sex might be talked about, but like for the relationships, not until much much later in the game, when everyone involved is an adult.
I'm really sorry if the story made you uncomfortable, I really want to avoid that by any means. If there are specific passages in the game that you felt were inappropriate, I'd like to know so I can improve on them.
I hope that clears things up! Thank you for taking the time to write all this feedback!
EDIT: After some thinking, I've decided to go ahead and change MC's starting age to 18. (A few of the ROs will be 1 or 2 years older as well, to fit MC's age and the new timeline better.) It's better that I make the change sooner rather than later, as it would be a lot more work if I wait. I hope this will make things a bit more comfortable for you and other readers! (And it honestly will feel better for me as well and some things in the story will actually make more sense I think.)
I will start working on editing the story to fit that decision and the changes will take effect in the next update.
I definitely did not realize the slow-burn pace you were going for in regards to relationships, just because of how quickly players are given the option to actively flirt. Most of the response I would have given is now void given your decision about the ages, but I will say that I'm sorry my comment presumably had to be what pushed you to make a decision that is now giving you more editing work! I know the pain. Nevertheless, I'm definitely in favor of the change.
In regards to your question about specific scenes, I think Zanetta's flirtatious teasing currently comes off as slightly over the line in the scene where the MC can ask her about her family. As a 20-year-old, I know I wouldn't ever assume a high-school-aged kid was trying to come on to me, nor would I (even jokingly) engage in teasing one flirtatiously. In my opinion, this is essentially absolved by changing the MC's age to 18, but I figured I would mention it specifically just in case you still wanted to know. It's definitely not egregious, but I for sure had the thought of, "Excuse me, ma'am? This is a high-school-aged child!"
I didn't see any other red flags in my speedrunning all the romance scenes, though! Ajmal's freaking out when confronted by a perhaps overly-forward MC feels very realistic and reasonable given his...rather complicated situation, and I think that attitude could easily carry over to an 18-year-old MC. After all, they're still a ruler (and probably somewhat intimidating as a result) as well as a slightly-younger childhood friend, which in itself presents all kinds of delightful possibilities for emotional turmoil.
But, overall, I'm really glad my comments didn't come off the wrong way. I'm looking forward to the update, and I wish you good luck with writing and editing!! I'm really loving the story so far, and while I don't go on the interactive-fiction side of tumblr much, just to avoid all the behind-the-scenes character spoilers, I gave your page a follow and I'm excited to be along for the ride. :)
Don’t be sorry for being the one that initiated the thought process that led me to take that decision! Even if it’s more work, I think it’s for the best and will make everyone, me included, more comfortable. I really appreciate how nicely you brought up the subject too. Thank you so much for that!
Gonna throw this out there re: the age gap. It's totally possible for two people to be involved with each other while both are under the age of 18 and then have one cross the threshold. My "high school sweetheart" and I had a three-year age gap but we started dating when I was 14 and he was 17. By the time we broke up, I was 16 and he was 19 (and still just graduated high school b/c he started school late), so - to me, at least - the 16, 19 age-gap isn't inherently "gross."
Just figured I'd offer a different perspective based on my actual life lol.
Thanks for your input! I’ve asked different people their opinions on this and they vary of course. I think the age gap between MC and Zanetta is the one that can cause most issues. In any case, I prefer aging MC up a bit, it’s an easy solution to make everyone more comfortable.
I really love it so far! I really love this method of storytelling, where I can be a part of the story, and you have started a really awesome story here! Thanks!
That's why I love interactive fiction so much! There's a lot of wonderful stories like that out there. ❤️I'm really glad you like mine so far!
whoo!! thoroughly enjoyed this! love your writing and it keeps me wanting more! love it!
Thank you so much, I'm glad you enjoyed it! 🥰
great work here! i love the way you make us decide our physical appearance
Thanks! Those cycling links really came in handy, hehe!
This is really great! I enjoyed it, especially with the disabilities options because I am hard of hearing too :)
I’m glad you liked it! I hope I’ll be able to treat each disability respectfully and if at any point I write something that’s not right or makes you feel uncomfortable, please let me know!
Wow this is easily a favorite, I admire your work! Can't wait to see more of it :D
Thank you so much! ❤️💕
Ahhh I’m already hooked!!! You did an awesome job!! Dont stress yourself too much whilst writing
Thank you so much! I'm really happy you liked it so far. =) I'm not stressing myself, don't worry, but I definitely am excited about getting more out there for you lovely people. =)
Love this! Cannot wait to play Sir Mansoor's route! <3 Will there be angst? Pining?? Fluff??? Gah, so excited!!!
Thank you for reading it! :)
Sir Mansoor’s route is allll angst, pining and fluff, lol.
Already in love with Zanetta, pls send help!!
Good, very good. *steeples fingers*